Was It Worth It? Losing Myself in Twin Motherhood

It all starts when you get a tiny extra surprise while lying on a bed with a greasy belly.
From that moment, you begin to lose parts of yourself — to stress, questions, self-doubt, feeling overwhelmed, and so much more. You stop doing a lot of regular things — riding a scooter, running errands, yoga — to name a few – to keep the two little babies safe inside you until they are ready to come into the world. Even sleeping through the night in one stretch becomes impossible.  

Time goes by and soon your house is filled with happiness. You are delighted to see, feel, touch, and hold your little babies. But along with that, you are also stressed about breastfeeding and feeling guilty for giving formula milk when your supply runs out. You are eating extra healthy and curbing all your cravings, just so that the babies get the right nourishment through you. You sleep in patches - night and day are all alike. 

After a couple of months, your body has recovered to an extent that you can finally move around. But your walk, your body – they no longer feel like before. You feel sad, and even cry, wondering if this is the new you, and if your previous self is going to be just a memory now. 

Slowly you get used to this new version of yourself. Your family is constantly supporting you with chores - changing diapers, feeding, preparing formula, bathing, doctor visits and vaccinations. During this, you forget the taste of your favourite tea, your dream profession feels to be more distant than ever and you have no time for your hobbies. You miss sitting near the window when it rains and going on rides and drives with your husband. Cooking your favourite food, watching a web series or stepping out for a movie night all seem impractical -and at times impossible. You want to spend every minute with your babies and nurture them with love. 

Do you always want to be around your kids? No, not at all. There are times when you are too tired, both physically and mentally. That doesn't mean you don't love your kids. Of course, you love them. As you transition from one stage to another - from weaning them off to formula milk and then later to cow's milk, from introducing solids to self-feeding, from seeing them roll-over to beginning to crawl to running around the house, from sleepless nights to tiresome days - you don’t just watch them grow but ingrain them in your world (and you in theirs). At times you feel like they are everything you have. Seeing them fall sick or them getting a bump on their heads, can trigger real panic in you. Their little mischiefs make you smile; their little games keep you entertained (no matter how silly those are). Their little giggles and cuddles take all your stress away and so much more. Your emotions are all tied to theirs.

Speaking about myself, I have two 20-month-old munchkins - a baby boy and a baby girl. At times I feel they have grown so fast. They have become more independent and equally naughty. Daytime is a constant workout with their nap windows the only breather that I get. Its been two and a half years since I created two new lives, and I feel I can feel shades of my old self - probably I am halfway there. I have definitely become a lot more confident about taking care of my kids. Asking my little ones for countless kisses and cuddles is by far my favourite activity. I am able to find time for my profession, pursue my hobbies, sleep at a stretch on most nights, carve out some “me-time” - late night drives, scrolling through reels on insta, following my favourite web series or just lazing around. 

My twins, who are still little by the way, took me through a roller coaster ride - stressed me out, made me cry, made me laugh and have already given me countless memories. 

When I ask myself - was losing myself in raising my twins worth it?

My answer is a DEFINITE YES. 

There are plenty of things which I have deprioritized in life, but I know that I will get to them someday.

Remember, there is no rush.

This was a glimpse of my journey. I hope it resonates and helps build the confidence of mothers who are just starting their journey now. 

Cheers to twin motherhood!